Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
