is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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