shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
