When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
