i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
