I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
