I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
