Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Found your dick twin last night
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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