I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Randomize
