I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
