I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
