true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So apparently I’m into choking now
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