My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
