If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
