Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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