I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
