Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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