I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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