she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
