"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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