She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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