god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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