Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
