Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
