dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
