I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
