I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
