At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
