Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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