Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
