if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
