just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
