so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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