I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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