Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
