I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
