Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
