laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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