I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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