i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
then he tried to convert me to islam
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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