You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
