Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
