so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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