omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
you didnt know i had herpes?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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