Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
