I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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