I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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