I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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