How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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