Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
